Thursday, December 5, 2013

Christmas Present Suggestions

It is that time of the year when the Tavern gets visited by people who pick up things that have 'fallen of the back of a lorry'. Of course the honesty and integrity of my customers preclude any thought of buying such goods but that still says little about their tastes.

The most astonishingly bizarre presents seem to be available to Santa's helpers and year after year the range grows. A small selection is presented here for your inspection. Many are specifically designed for the modern world and its 'diverse' people, for whom we must have tolerance.

Many customers found them hilarious.

First, for the Garden. As befits the season down here:

Now they should put the wind up obstreperous neighbours (yes that word again) and they are NRA approved. But maybe they should point their automatics at the companion-piece....

Yes, the Hollywood Zombie plague has affected even concrete.  I am waiting for a feminist zombie gnomette but they seem to be mostly in Argentina attacking chaps praying around Cathedrals. 

The Drummer has something to say about that>

But wait, there's more....

For such ladies who like a tipple on hand to fuel their inner Furie, a personal wine cask, not designed for the hand but mother's milk to some.

 And while she is busy contemplating the housework, the baby can help actually do it for her with this smart suit.

If she does have to stir herself, she might like to couple a cup of coffee with an iron. Why waste the heat and let the coffee get cold?

 The single mum can even sleep it off with a gentle reminder of the baby's daddy, whoever and wherever he is.

Ahh, there he is, out an about doing fantasy Patriarchy things to bring the bacon to the C$A so they can take some rashers before sending the rind on to the sleeping gal. All he needs is his Unicorn mask to complete her fantasy fa├žade.

He may need a tipple too. But he has limited opportunity to hide his cask. But wait.....

His sandwiches are always being stolen at work so just to deter the thieves, he can use the latest range of sandwich bags that pretend to hold decaying food.


And a manly umbrella may be needed out there in the cold heartless world.

And he can make sure his car makes a damned fine statement during the month of Movember, the one time when attention is paid to a male cancer, which the 'Economist' magazine has condemned as 'sexist'.

And if someone nicks his parking spot....? He can leave an appropriate card. (There are cards for all occasions).

And let's not forget presents for the pets. We can't have them being 'unsafe' around the baby, so a muzzle  is in order. But like the girls, the dogs just wanna have fuurn too.

And for the home that has many sharp corners......

The world outside is swarming with sharks. Why not have one inside and under control?


And if all that makes you brain hurt, comfort it with this nice cap. Just right for  wooly-headed Mensa-infiltrating Trolls who take offence.

There are more ideas for bizarre pressies to be found at :

But for me, and my customers, a nice drink, methinks.



  1. The single mum can even sleep it off with a gentle reminder of the baby's daddy, whoever and wherever he is.


    1. Hehehehehe.

      Those were all comments from the bar, of course.

  2. "wooly-headed Mensa-infiltrating Trolls who take offence."
    The PERFECT "cover" for APA DSMMD constituants.

    Well, there IS a case to be made for "Social justice" toward Idiot Savants.
    ( ONLY if it comes in gray)
    Sadly, US APA has recently reinterpreted "Idiot", as WELL.


    1. Ahha, the DSM and the APA. Always good for a laugh. The DSM is the Medical Insurance Industry invoicing book.

  3. I have always been rather fond of the word obstreperous ;-)

    As to all those presents, I think I will pass...

    I would much prefer a nice drink in good company. Tonight I am just in the mood for a dry crisp white wine.

    Cheers ;-)

    1. I cannot see the Tavern getting any of those presents either. I hope not. Nor to give. Although the radio-controlled flying shark, with a moustache, could be useful in ferrying drinks between the bar and the patio. I shall have to put the pink thinking cap on about that.

      A crisp. clean, white coming up.

  4. LOL Great post Amfy. Which present is mine? I am rather fond of the brain cap. :)


    1. Which would you like, m'dear? There are more to choose from if you follow the link.

  5. Nice post Amfortas. Those are definitely some funny gift ideas. Keep the good work :)

    1. That was a smart one, Elise. You managed to get one past the bouncer. You have some much better presents there.

      Have a drink on the house and come back often.


Ne meias in stragulo aut pueros circummittam.

Our Bouncer is a gentleman of muscle and guile. His patience has limits. He will check you at the door.

The Tavern gets rowdy visitors from time to time. Some are brain dead and some soul dead. They attack customers and the bar staff and piss on the carpets. Those people will not be allowed in anymore. So... Be Nice..