My own method for many years was to make time for such folk and charge them a fee. Modest fees helped solve their problems: larger fees solved mine too.
'Twas ever thus. The askance looks: the behind-hand whinge; the joke; the parody; the reputation-ripping between ladies over coffee. We can put a particularly nasty spin on it these days with social media spreading the malcontent. Women despair finding a 'good man' and wonder where they all went. Whenever I hear that I answer "They saw you coming". Men despair of finding a good woman and I tell them not to keep looking under rocks.
Men are 'going their own way' these days just as women did in the 1920's and 30's. What? You forgot about that? I will explain later.
We had two in the bar today. One of each. At least they had something coherent to say and tried hard not to diss one another. First up was Arun Eden-Lewis who tried to mansplain where all the good men have gone; and Margaret Wente had the last word, which went some way toward a mea culpa.
Try a fee schedule. It is a magnet.I’ll Tell you Where all the Good Men have Gone.Overwhelmingly, this question is posed by women, discussed by women, and answered by women.This, ironically, is an essential reason for these so called man-deserts — men are simply not being asked to contribute their opinions and perspectives. And the good men themselves are increasingly less likely to offer their point of view, for many reasons.
I do not seek to apportion blame here, on either side, but simply to address this question from the seldom-heard voice that is the object of the question itself: good men.The last 100 years of suffragettes, feminists, and political correctness have challenged, and continue to challenge, thousands of years of patriarchy, and rightly so. Consequently, the roles of both men and women have been transformed and redefined.While we struggle to adjust to the new and still evolving status quo, the war of the sexes has taken, and continues to take, millions of casualties. In Western culture, divorce rates for first marriages range from 42% in the UK, and 53% in the USA to a staggering 71% in Belgium. Subsequent marriages fare even worse.
One is not asked to stop and think: what are these 'executive', strong, sassy, empowered women doing with a bumbling clown?The spectre of divorce is a contributory factor in the conspicuously expanding man-deserts. Many men, having seen their fathers broken by divorce, fear the loss of their assets, their homes, and their children, and are simply stacking their chips, choosing not to gamble, and checking out of the marriage casino.Family courts invariably award primary custody to the mother, while the father is restricted to weekend access, supervised visits, or left to literally climb the walls of Buckingham Palace in a superhero costume to protest rights for dads. Men—will they ever grow up?The ridicule and debasement of men in the media and mainstream culture is now pervasive. Watch a commercial, sitcom, or movie, and invariably an immature man-child or dumb dad is the butt of the joke—the hapless buffoon. Fortunately, these silly men are always saved from themselves by a smart, witty woman or a conscripted eye-rolling child.
Answer: redefining the expectations of the young, in accord with the PTB copybook.
The emasculation of men has become normalised.Sensibly, rather than have their balls cut off (sometimes literally, and that often gets a good laugh), men are running for cover in their droves, leaving women mystified and asking, “Where have all the good men gone?”When I was in secondary school, perhaps 14 years old, there was a girl who patrolled the playground, egged on by her gang of girlfriends, kicking the boys between the legs. Clearly, she had been informed by someone this was the quickest, easiest, and funniest way to bring those stupid boys down to earth.One day it was my turn. Caught by surprise, I crumpled to the ground after a swift kick to the balls, in too much agony even to cry out. Oh, how the girls laughed! Even then, I abhorred a bully.The following day, I found my attacker in the playground and, contrary to my upbringing, without warning I kicked her swiftly between the legs. To everyone’s surprise she also crumpled to the ground, in too much agony to cry out. A crowd of cheering boys slapped me on the back—their new avenger.
The girls stared at me wide-eyed in shock, a boy who fought back? No one had told them that was allowed, surely it was against the rules! Equality, it’s a son of a gun.I remember feeling no satisfaction or honour in defeating a weaker adversary but sometimes, especially in the case of a bully, personal satisfaction and honour is not the point — standing up their aggression is. As I grew into a man —a good man— I learned to walk away from provocation, as most good men do.
“Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!” Remember the t-shirts launched in 2003? Followed by coffee mugs, posters, even a book.“Boys tell lies, poke them in the eyes!” Another favourite for young girls at the time.
It took a father’s rights activist to have this merchandise removed from thousands of retail stores.
Inevitably, he was ridiculed by a myopic majority.Presently, in some areas of the UK, 80% of primary schools have three male teachers or less, one quarter of primary schools have no male teachers at all, and some towns have 65% single mother families.
Hmmmmm. I think young Arun absorbed rather too much fetid wine from his mum and sisters ! I shall have to pour some cleansing ale down the lad.Man-deserts indeed.A young boy can go to school and have no adult male role models, return home and have no adult male role models.Young girls are achieving significantly higher academic standards than young boys. This feminisation of schools spills over into university, then the workplace, and eventually the home, completing the insipid cycle and the marginalisation of both boys and men.I was born in 1968. I grew up with a strong mother, four stronger sisters, and no father. I was taught, not only by my family but also by wider society, to regard women as my equal, and I always have. Yet, unknown to me, a generation of women were being indoctrinated and trained with a sharp-edged tool kit designed to emasculate men.Men have been subjugating women for centuries, now they’re getting payback. It seems only fair.
The fox has turned on the hounds and she’s packing a punch, or a kick to the balls. But the nature of men when faced with a fight is to fight back, either psychologically or physically—clearly there are no winners in this scenario.The relentless competitive struggle to determine who wears the trousers is simply a turnoff for many men.
Many are just opting out of the kind of psychological warfare that is common in relationships today, unwilling to engage in the minefield of mind games, which are usually executed in three ways.The first is the habitual belittling and denigration of men, in private or in front of friends, family or colleagues, for what is supposed to pass as humour. The second is letting a man know, casually of course, that other men are sexy, have better looks, more money, talent or fame. The third, and perhaps the most destructive is being told over and over, “We don’t need no man. Men are obsolete.”
I’ve lost count how often I’ve been told this since adolescence.If you tell a man often enough that he is surplus to requirements, eventually he will stop expending his energy to convince you and himself otherwise.
Men are rapidly waking up to this phenomenon of man-bashing, so much so that a disillusioned social movement has arisen with its own freshly-minted acronym:
Herein lies a problem that such chaps overlook. They decend into immorality and chaos, a self-destruction of their souls. Sovereignty it ain't. It is often a ritual cutting off of the nose to spite the face. Spite is the prime response of the diabolical.MGTOW. Men Going Their Own Way.Supported by websites and online forums, men are regrouping with a common cause, a sense of brotherhood, and finding their voices again.The essential precepts of MGTOW are financial independence, rejection of chivalry, social preconceptions of what a man should be, and consumer culture which defines masculinity by a man’s house, car, clothes, watch, or cologne. It is the refusal to be shamed into conventional compliance by being told to “man up.”Many aggrieved MGTOW refuse to marry or even date Western women, the more ardent among them consciously choosing non-committal relationships, strippers, pornography, or celibacy. Above all, goes the MGTOW mantra, maintain sovereignty of self.
I have been dating for more than 35 years, and back in the 1980s a man was expected to pay for the movie tickets, dinner, flowers, chocolate, the diamond ring, the house. In each subsequent decade these social conventions have slowly eroded, yet to a greater or lesser extent still remain. Long-held social biases, like the wage gap for example, take time to bring to full equality.It is important to recognise, however, that equality is a two-way street. It is abundantly clear that many men and women are struggling to walk along that street in close proximity, let alone hand in hand. Why? Because for a century we have been digging up and bulldozing said street. Now, it’s full of potholes, power struggles, and barely fit to travel. Yet travel it we must.The original message of equality has been somewhat skewed. Women often recycle the poorly thought out doctrine that they are the same as men.
Equality is not always sameness, and sameness is not always equality.For example, women have equal opportunity to go to war and fight side by side with men, but the physical standards to allow them to do so are not the same. And this can be seen across a whole spectrum of professions, from firefighters to ballet dancers. Equality is not always sameness. Difference is diversity, and should be a cause for celebration, not dogmatic elimination.Men are often told (but, again, not asked) they are afraid of strong independent women. Many men, tired of such futile debates and wary of being branded a misogynist if they dare to disagree, are simply shutting down and becoming emotionally unavailable to women, taking permanent residence in their man-caves.The truth is men love strong and independent women—it turns them on, in every way.
What men don’t love are the predominantly masculine traits that often go along with the package. The relentless competitiveness (necessary in the workplace no doubt, but hardly necessary at home in a loving relationship), the verbal aggression, the emotional manipulation, and the psychological controlling are a huge turn-off.Increasingly, men are just not interested in competing at work and then having to come home and compete with their partners. In the sphere of heterosexual relationships, most women are not attracted to emasculated feminine men, which is fair enough. By the same token, most men are not attracted to masculine, domineering women.
The very idea that woman are second-class citizens is a product of early women leftist thought. Simone de Bouvoir for example. 'The Second Sex'. It is women seeing men as a 'cut above' and seeking the men's financial earnings capacity that is a major cuase of any 'hierarchy' of value. Men have always ignored 'what' a woman does and focused on 'who' she is. The businessman can marry a barmaid, a King can marry a serving wench - and often did !.So, these are some of the general and specific issues creating man-deserts, from the perspective of good men. But what solutions are there? Waking up to our social conditioning is a good place to start.Many women are beginning to reject the modern brand of feminism, the so called third-wave, that is tantamount to thinly veiled misandry. Equally many men, for two or three generations now, are rejecting the attitude that a woman is some kind of second class citizen.
Meanwhile the society fails; children are not born and raised in a warm and loving home. Indeed the women's similar selfishness decrees that 'her body, her choice' kills babies resulting from such a 'hook-up' culture where a man chooses to 'date' for 35 years. We know not what we do.We clearly have work to do on both sides.Letting go of these destructive modes of thought, communication, and behaviour is an essential process for healthier and happier relationships between men and women.However, denying these issues will in no way change the interpersonal landscape for the better, and women will continue to ask, “Where have all the good men gone?” while wandering an ever-expanding and barren man-desert.So, where have all the good men gone?For now they have gone their own way, but they are out there, in the same desert, contentedly swimming in the oases they have found for themselves, no doubt waiting for the fourth-wave of feminism to wash over them and truly embrace equality, just like the first-wave promised.
Margaret chipped in. She took some of the burden on her shoulders and saw matters somewhat the same way. She womansplained.....
Ladies, check your privilegeIt isn’t always fun to be a man these days. (Especially a straight, white one.) You get blamed for everything.
Manshaming is practically obligatory, especially among the educated young, where the vicious nature of men is blamed for everything from mass shootings and rape culture to mansplaining. To avoid the scourge of toxic masculinity, men must learn to check their privilege.
Hmmmm. We cannot escpape the modern mantras. We don't talk of women 'Dominating' schools, do we. Nor 'Dominating' midwifery.In a world where men still call (most of) the shots, make most of the money and still dominate the corridors of power, it might seem perverse to suggest that women need to check their privilege, too. But oh, we do.
For all the barriers that women face, we have abundant freedoms and privileges that are not available to men.
For example, if we choose not to spend our entire lives scrambling up the ladder of career success, nobody will care.
If we want to marry men who make more money than we do (and let’s face it, most of us do, no matter what we say), nobody will think we’re being exploitative. (TK. which you are)
No one looks sideways if we decide to stay home for a while to be full-time moms and housewives. Conversely, stay-at-home men have low, low social status (and, often, low self esteem). In many ways, women have a far wider range of socially acceptable life choices than men have.It’s true that men make more money, but the myth that women only make 78 per cent of what men make is an alternative fact that does not stand up to reality. Besides, who does the dirty work? Not us. We may not be CEOs, but we generally enjoy nice indoor work in the winter.
As the cranky feminist Camille Paglia notes, “It is men who heft and weld the giant steel beams that frame our office buildings, and it is men who do the hair-raising work of insetting and sealing the finely tempered plate-glass windows of skyscrapers 50 stories tall.” The vast majority of workplace fatalities are male. So are the vast majority of workers in policing, firefighting, war and other lethal professions.
Do you think this arrangement is unfair to women? Me neither.As for violence, men are the chief victims. Men make up three-quarters of all murder victims, and are far more likely to be the targets of more serious forms of assault. Eighty per cent of all reported attacks by strangers are on men.
Men are also 2.5 times more likely to be sexually assaulted in institutional settings such as schools.
And, of course, women live longer.
Meanwhile, women are outperforming men at all levels of education, from kindergarten to graduate school. Women make up at least 50 per cent of Canadian law school graduates, and outnumber men at most medical schools. In fact, advanced countries may be graduating too many female doctors. Women tend to concentrate heavily in family-friendly fields like family medicine and psychiatry, to see fewer patients, to work shorter hours and retire earlier, and to avoid more gruelling specialties such as surgery.
This is going to be a challenge for the health-care system. As one critic noted, “Empathy and communication skills are important, but so are efficiency and the ability to live with risk.”
As for discrimination in the STEM fields, I have surprising news. There is indeed a large bias in faculty hiring – in favour of women. A study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Science found that the bias favouring women was a whopping two-to-one. As one of the researchers, Stephen Ceci, explained to Science magazine, women are “hired more often because a lot of us faculty have internalized the value of gender diversity, and they actually want more women when … all other things [are] equal.”Not surprisingly, he got oceans of hate mail.
Yet as many people know but few will say, reverse discrimination has become a powerful tailwind for professional women.Yet despite the steady dismantling of barriers to women, women persist in not wanting what men want. The most equal societies on Earth are the Nordic states and the Netherlands. They have generous parental-leave systems, good social safety nets and high-quality part-time jobs.
And guess what? Women still work less than men.
Well said, and both get drinks a'plenty on the house. But the questions remain up in the air still.There are even fewer women among top managers and business owners than there are in the capitalist, patriarchal United States. Most women don’t seem all that bothered by this. They think the way North American women have to work is insane.The moral of the story is that no one has a lock on privilege. The two sexes have different burdens and advantages, and also different preferences. Our notions of equality should allow for that.
That bizzo about the 20's and 30's. Back when feminism was still in nappies (daipers for you colonials), there was a Great War which in Britain saw off fully one third of marriageable men.
Most of whom did not have the vote, by the way.
Male death and maiming reduced the marriage chances of one in three women in those green and pleasant lands. Women were obliged to fend for themselves, compete fiercely with other women for a breadwinner to serve them, and find some paid work for themselves. Many did not like it one bit. Many others, fine, strong, professional women arose. The 30's saw a blossoming of fine women. Many were 'good' too, although many others became lefty harridans who blamed men for dying or being maimed. and for all the ills of the world.
They latter seemed to grow in number and gave birth to the bastard children that are today's feminists.
One needs a stiff drink.
Shall I be mum?