Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Don't Judge Me !!!

At the beach yesterday I saw a 'Yummy Mummy'. What a judgemental bastard I am, eh?  I go to my nearby beach quite often while the weather here is so superb, and I am happily confronted with lots of pretty young women in bathing costumes. This one was as near to perfect in looks and deportment as one can find. 

She had made some effort, choosing a simple but elegant black one-piece suit with a matching pair of quite feminine black short-shorts. She was blond. Shoulder-length hair. Slim and pretty. With her was a small boy - her son - to whom she devoted her entire attention. I judged that she was very comfortable in her womanliness and in her motherhood. She was exuding gaity: that is, the old and proper use of the word. A delightful young lady.

I know when school is out without even looking at my watch as right on the dot there appears a gaggle of teenaged gals from the local Catholic Girls' College. Whether they have changed into cossies at school or worn them all day under their clothes I do not know (or care, for that matter) but off come the uniform blouses and skirts and there they prance and preen to one another for a few minutes before they run squealing into the water.

What a perv, I must be, eh? All men are just pervy judgemental bastards, eh?
Judge tenderly, if you must. There is usually a side you have not heard, a story you know nothing about, and a battle waged that you are not having to fight.” 

― Traci Lea LaRussa” 
There is always one girl who hangs back a little.  It is quite easy to see which one she will be; just by watching the others. Its the way they 'look' at her.
“That just goes to show, remarked Pearlie, that you must never judge a woman in a kimono or a bathing suit.” 

― Edna Ferber.
Hmmmm. As if.  Girls do it all the time. 

The entire fashion industry is built on the principle that all appearances must be 'judged', criticised and as quickly as possible, replaced. 

Few things last as long as a moment of appreciation.
“The poor girl was keeping that student's letter as a precious treasure, and had run to fetch it, her only treasure, because she did not want me to go away without knowing that she, too, was honestly and genuinely loved; that she, too, was addressed respectfully. No doubt that letter was destined to lie in her box and lead to nothing. But none the less, I am certain that she would keep it all her life as a precious treasure, as her pride and justification, and now at such a minute she had thought of that letter and brought it with naive pride to raise herself in my eyes that I might see, that I, too, might think well of her.” 

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Girls do that. Not just keep letters as Fyodor describes, but judge other girls and finds them wanting. It is a 'constant' that all girls have in their lives. They do it themselves.

No man can give that 'Judgemental Look' like a girl can. Not that some don't try....
“I suddenly remembered that Murray Gell-Mann and I were supposed to give talks at that conference on the present situation of high-energy physics. My talk was set for the plenary session, so I asked the guide, "Sir, where would the talks for the plenary session of the conference be?"

"Back in that room that we just came through."

"Oh!" I said in delight. "Then I'm gonna give a speech in that room!"

The guide looked down at my dirty pants and my sloppy shirt. I realized how dumb that remark must have sounded to him, but it was genuine surprise and delight on my part. 
We went along a little bit farther, and the guide said, "This is a lounge for the various delegates, where they often hold informal discussions." They were some small, square windows in the doors to the lounge that you could look through, so people looked in. There were a few men sitting there talking. 
I looked through the windows and saw Igor Tamm, a physicist from Russia that I know. "Oh!" I said. "I know that guy!" and I started through the door.
The guide screamed, "No, no! Don't go in there!" By this time he was sure he had a maniac on his hands, but he couldn't chase me because he wasn't allowed to go through the door himself!” 
― Richard Feynman
 In the 'battle of the sexes' it is men who seem to get labelled as judgemental, especially of women, Women of course are the ones making that judgement, although they would be the first to say 
'don't judge me for judging you' !

But hey, why believe me. A woman was saying as much in the UK Room just the other afternoon. Victoria Allen said.....
Just got thrown a really dirty look like to say 'ewww'': 
More than half of women give each other unfriendly and judgemental glares

34 students were asked to send texts when they received or gave a nasty look

18 of those surveyed said they regularly gave judgemental looks 

The looks caused feelings of doubt and discomfort in other women

Study participants were surprised by how many nasty looks they gave others 

Mean girls continue to exist after school, as more than half of the looks women give each other appear unfriendly or judgmental.
A study has found women feel judged by everyone from their closest female friends to strangers who look them up and down in the street.
Asked by researchers at Aberystwyth University to report eye contact with other women in a week, females said the looks were negative more than half the time.
A new study has found that more than half of women regularly deal out a nasty glare to members of their own sex. This causes feelings of doubt, discomfort and of being judged in other women.
They report pressure to wear make-up and buy new clothes, while being scrutinised for their appearance from 'head to toe'. One young woman said she would rather take her clothes off in front of a man than her friends, amid pressure to measure up against them.

Lead author Dr Sarah Riley, a reader in psychology at Aberystwyth University, said she was surprised at how much women exchange glances.

She said: 'There was the overwhelming sense that looks were judgemental and that we are living in a world where you are constantly being looked at in troubling ways.'
The study, published in the journal Feminism & Psychology, asked 12 female students to send a text message every time they received a look from another woman or gave one.

The messages revealed negative feelings about being looked at and responses included:

- 'Just got thrown a really dirty look like to say 'ewww''

- 'A girl is fully staring at me and I looked at her and looked away and she's still staring at me'
- 'I noticed when I was walking around the other day that some women (40+) had a tendency to look me up and down until I caught eye contact with them and then they'd look at the floor'
- 'I was waiting in line at a bar and I made eye contact with a woman who was looking at me, then looked me up and down, this made me feel slightly awkward at the time'
But not every experience was negative with some students saying that certain looks made their day. 
In 18 of the 34 reports, the young women described receiving looks which were judgmental or made them feel awkward. One participant said she received a 'really dirty look', while another said a stranger at a bar 'looked me up and down'.
Researchers also conducted 44 in-depth interviews with women aged 18 to 35 years old, who provided more detail.
A 31-year-old teacher, called Dawn, said: 'I think that other women are much more inclined to have a good old look at you or each other than actually maybe men are. I think women really like to compare themselves to other people and even really good friends.. and to judge each other on their appearance.'
She said rather take her clothes off in front of a man she knew than her friends, adding: 'That's again because I think I would look at other women and compare myself and therefore I know that other women do it.'
Teachers taking their clothes off infront of a man ? !! Wot? Not infront of young boys in the classroom supplies cupboard?  Novel, eh?

The study follows previous research on 'bitchy' femininity and how girls' friendship groups use 'mean' looks to convey unspoken aggression.
It adds: 'Our data show that this sense-making exists beyond school and into early adulthood, shaping the way that women understand other women, and expressed through practices of looking so that for some of our participants a supportive stranger was unimaginable.'

Among the 34 text messages, there were just 11 looks which women said made them feel happy or appreciative and five which were neither in the positive or negative categories.

Sienna, a 21-year-old student, was quoted as saying women look even more at each other than they do at men, stating that this is why women spend so much time putting on make-up, investing in new outfits and changing their hair.
But they will still all shout - at men, more than at women - "Don't Judge Me !!" 

Of course you will all have poured over the other riviting 'Papers' in the journal Feminism & Psychology, wherein one might find 'Navel Lint: A new form of Patriarchal Oppression' and its huge study of four undergraduate girls' tummy button extractions. Or perhaps, keeping you awake at night searching for nuance in, "One in Four Women cut their toenails at least weakly: strength discrimination and oppressive male taxation policy". The Universities of Wales are at  the cutting edge.

Some are suckers for punishment. They will deliberately present themselves in such a way as to attract criticism. They will even imagine, impute, infer criticism where none was. Its a 'game'. A 'poor me' game.

I might have to take that youngster aside and give her a cooling lemonade. The poor child has a nasty taste in her mouth.

But, back to the more pleasing....I think I have seen that yummy mummy before.

I must fetch her a cool drink too next time.



  1. "Hmmmm. As if. Girls do it all the time. "

    Yes they do, but judging is not about who does it more, it's not a judgmental competition. In fact, it's human nature and we ALL do it. Christ made no distinction, he just said not to do it (judge)/rise above doing so.

    Honestly, Amfortas, the world spends so much time making gender competitions out of things that shouldn't be - nasty competitions out of things that shouldn't be (or at least friendly competitions) - why help them out with this "Nuh UH, you do it more, stuff?"

    Again, you're better than this, I've seen it ;) Feel free to remind me on similar days. Hugs ;)

    1. It can just as easily be about who does it more as it can be about style, or frequency or any other aspect. The lady in the bar -Victoria Allen - made the choice. Women in general are the ones who shout 'don't judge me'. One only very rarely hear a man say that. I, on the other hand, judged myself. I searched for some balance and remained as the first reference advised. Tender. I also poked a little fun at myself.

      What more do you want? Try reading again with a more tender heart.

  2. Are you asking me not to judge you? ;)

    Well, I've never said that as a woman.

    I have the most tender of hearts, Amfortas. Too tender, in fact. Sometimes you've brought a tear to my eye before. Just not this one lol.

    1. You judge me often, my dear, and I am (very occasionally) the better for it. Far be it for me to tell others not to exercise what is effectively a natural and higher-order human facility. We all judge, despite (and most often by) the excoriations of half-wits and lefties not to. Heck I have even had atheists misquoting the Bible at me on the matter. Hah ! :) Judge away, and have a fine drink on the house (and in the bar, not in the stables ) :)

  3. PS - "What more do I want?"

    I want the world to stop making gender competitions and pointing out what's wrong with each other, but since that ain't gonna happen, perhaps just a glass of chardonnay from the noble gentleman I can still see, even though he's experienced way too many of the wrong kind of women, evident in posts like these ;)

    1. The Yummy Mummy was a nice gal. The Southern Gal is a nice gal. My friend Cheryl is a nice gal. Kathy is a nice gal. I know quite a few. Heck, m'dear, on a sunny day with the wind from behind, I reckon you could make a good stab at being a nice gal too. :) Chardonnay it shall be.

  4. Well, I'm glad you have wonderful women around you now. I know a Cheryl too and she's one of my favorite people :)

    I do judge, of course, but I give people more benefit of the doubt than you may think - I give the same benefit of the doubt I'd like others to give me :) Honestly, I think women have misjudged you based on what you've written elsewhere, but I saw more - or I wouldn't be here :)

    I'm just not a "yes, man" sort of gal. Honestly, I think where men get themselves into trouble most - they fall for the OTT ego stroke/flatter routine, which is obvious to other women that women are doing this with men to get what they want.

    As for me, I figure blogs are about opinions and feedback. If I like something, I'll sing your praises all day. If I don't, well, you may hear about that too lol. And I expect no less from the people I chose to communicate with.

    I think you have a gift for writing, Amfortas, and a beautiful soul underneath. Perhaps wounded, like all of us - but perhaps wounded souls that have suffered usually make the best people, in the end? Thanks for the wine and for listening to my whine ;)

    1. Hahahaha. So some folk have misjudged me. That is par for the course. :) Thank you for the praises though. Whatever facilities of merit I have I get from my Supplier. You are welcome in the Tavern, m'dear.

  5. In my life experience it is mostly women that criticise others for their appearance.

    After a recent reorg at work I have been placed next to a couple of women that constantly criticise everyone (men and women)... I find it quite depressing at times.

    Currently I am trying to ignore the subtle gestures against/about me (which they think I have not noticed)... But push me too far and I will make my point ;-)

    But for now I try to be gentle in the hopes they will sort themselves out...

    1. It is a pain. There are enough things in life to criticise, but when most people 'appear' reasonably presentable, especially at work, there are better matters to focus upon. Your gentleness will benefit you but very likely be barely noticed by them. We live in Hope.


Ne meias in stragulo aut pueros circummittam.

Our Bouncer is a gentleman of muscle and guile. His patience has limits. He will check you at the door.

The Tavern gets rowdy visitors from time to time. Some are brain dead and some soul dead. They attack customers and the bar staff and piss on the carpets. Those people will not be allowed in anymore. So... Be Nice..