Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Tavern Warning Signs

Take care at Christmas. There are always some customers who act in a manner that can cause minor grief. And some major too. Simply walking in the door has its hazards, not least of which is the Bouncer, who can do as much damage to your nose as walking into the door can, and he is very busy this time of the year 'screening' those likey to be unruly. He is very good and in much demand, what with all those refugees everywhere seeking illegal entry.

But he remains on the Tavern's door. And he cannot be everywhere.

So, for your safety and comfort we have put some warnings in many of the more popular bars. Just to keep you safe.

Look for them. They concern YOU !  Here are some you will see.

This Message is displayed on a screen which warps space and time in its immediate vicinity. Sitting still for long periods whilst reading it will cause time to pass more quickly than usual and change the shape of your bottom.

This Message is displayed on your screen which attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. Small people may stick to it if brought into contact. Ask the barman for assistance.

The Mass of your computer contains the energy equivalent of 85 Mega-tons of TNT per nett ounce of weight. No liability will be entertained if you sit within reach of the keyboard or reading distance of the screen and it goes off.  There are corner tables available.

This screen contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of Five Hundred Million Miles p/hr. If they gang up, they could blow your underpants off along with anything contained within.  Use the towel supplied.

Because of the `Uncertainty Principle', it is impossible for the customer or the barmaid to know  precisely both where this product is and how great is its momentum, at the same time. If users move any part of this, or themselves, whilst reading it, it may be lost to view. Talk to the Tavern Keeper if you can find him.

There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a Quantum Mechanical Process know as ‘Tunneling’, your computer screen may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at random in any place in the Universe, including your next-door neighbor's water closet. The Supplier will not be held liable for any damages or inconveniences that may result. The Tavern accepts no responsibility.

According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting even this message may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred billion years. Please read quickly. Refill of your glass are a mere ask away.

(conditions apply)


  1. I think all those signs in their obscure ways are leading us to one place...

    A stable in Bethlehem a long time ago, to witness the birth of a baby :-)

    1. Strange are the ways of the Supplier. All the things visible are OK, - well, most, - but the invisible can be a worry. Now't worrisome about a baby in a cot though.


Ne meias in stragulo aut pueros circummittam.

Our Bouncer is a gentleman of muscle and guile. His patience has limits. He will check you at the door.

The Tavern gets rowdy visitors from time to time. Some are brain dead and some soul dead. They attack customers and the bar staff and piss on the carpets. Those people will not be allowed in anymore. So... Be Nice..