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Saturday, April 30, 2016

The Duck & Dog.

No, its not a new pub. The Tavern has many visitors: It or rather I was until recently host each evening to possums and wallabys;  They have been featured here before. Well, the possums have.

But we have never had a duck.

Other pubs in colder climes have though.  We were told about one just the other day.  But first......

A duck walks into a bar around lunchtime, sits down and orders a beer and a sandwich.The bartender looks at him and says, "By the Lord Harry, a talking duck! What are you doing here?" 

The duck replies, "I'm dry-walling the building across the street. I'll be in town for a few days."

The barman pulled him a pint and made a sandwich.

The next day, the duck walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Hey duck, I was telling someone about you last night. They're really interested in meeting with you!"

"Is that so?", said the duck.

"There's a travelling circus in town," the bartender explained. "The ringmaster was in here last night and thought you'd be a star attraction for them!"

The duck looked puzzled and says, "Why the heck would a circus need a dry-waller?"

OK, that was a tall tale and very likely quite untrue. But this one isn't.
Duck walks into pub, drinks pint, fights dog, loses. Maintains bow tie. Not a joke
BRITAIN'S booziest duck that became a celebrity for downing pints in his local pub has been seriously injured - in a brawl with a DOG. 
The bird - called Star - is well known for waddling around his favourite inns wearing a bow tie and swigging ale from a glass. 
The booze-loving duck and his handler Barrie Hayman are a regular sight in their local taverns - some of which even give Star his own stool.
But Star's drinking days could be over after an altercation with a dog after returning from his favourite watering-hole The Old Courthouse Inn. 
Star came to blows and lost out to pooch Meggie - which also belongs to Star's owner Barrie. 
They had a Mexican stand-off and stared each other out before the hound pounced - leaving the duck with his bottom beak split down the middle.
Barrie, 69, says that .....
the dog tired of the Indian Runner duck's drunken antics and Star finally ''pushed his luck too far''
He rushed the beer-loving avian to the vets where he was put on painkillers and said he was praying his beloved duck would make a full recovery. 
Barrie, of Chulmleigh, Devon, said: "Star pushed his luck too far and Meggie snapped - splitting Star's bottom beak right down the middle.
"He gave her a stare, then promptly stood on her back. It was not pretty and not nice. We were so scared we would lose Star." 
Grandfather-of-one Barrie, a former scuba diving instructor in Australia, lives with wife Sue, and plucked Star from the incubator in 2011 when he was just days old. 
As a chick Barrie walked round with Star in his top pocket but after he grew up he developed a taste for real ale and now often goes down to the local with his owner. 
But Barrie said Star's drinking days were almost numbered. 
He said: "He had to be rushed to the vets and go under anaesthetic, which is always risky and could go either way with ducks and other small animals. 
"Thankfully our Star is a tough cookie and it looks like he came out okay, not sure we came out quite as well.
"We had hours and hours of stress and waiting around.The vets are really pleased with his progress. He seems to be bouncing back nicely which is good." 
Barrie was concerned the injury would leave Star with a lisp that would put his performance career in jeopardy - as the duo regularly team up to raise hundreds of pounds for charity with their unique street double act. 
But vets have reassured Barrie that Star should be able to take to the stage again and the injury will not affect the duck's dulcet tones. 
He said: "He just won't leave me and so we go everywhere together. I've not trained him to follow me. He just seems to like it and he is one fantastic duck. 
"He loves to come to the pub, where everyone loves him. He is such a personality and attracts so much attention." 
Hmmmm. We get a few Trolls here occasionally but the Bouncer takes care of them. But we haven't had a duck. Yet. 

But we do have some tall stories.

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Elsewhere, another English Village has been mourning a duck. Funny mob the English.  Masters of a third of the world for a while and now look. Mourning a duck.
A VILLAGE is to hold an official wake and even lower a church flag to half mast – 
following the death of duck.
The bird – called Desmond Drake – had spent 25 years living on the village pond where he was known to bully other males away from the lady ducks.
Desmond had lived in Compton Martin all his life before he was savaged by a fox – leaving only a pile of feathers behind.
A wake, which does not yet have a date, will be held at the village pub, The Ring O'Bells.
Desmond will be the last drake – male duck – of the mill pond, with owner Andrew Griffiths wanting it to return to a more natural state.
Andrew, 68, said: "He will be sadly missed, both for his propensity to consume stale bread and cake, along with his ability to toss upstart young moorhens all over the place.
"He has been a permanent fixture of the pond, for in excess of 25 years, outliving all his contemporaries.
"He has brought much joy and happiness to people of all ages. He will be sadly missed and so can never be replaced.
"We said we would have a wake for the duck.
"When we decide to do it we will drop the flag to half-mast on the church.
"We will all have a drink in the pub.
"He was a very long serving duck and member of the community.
"He became family, he became a village icon.
"There was even a little society, the blood of the duck, and we would drink whiskey with a duck egg in.
"Lots of people have been giving their condolences since his death."
There was no word about the fox. 

Drink up.

Pax.


5 comments:

  1. Three ducks seem to have made their home near to my house. Three male mallard ducks to be precise. They were quacking and flying around over my garden last weekend, before sitting on the roofs of nearby houses.

    The weather in my part of the world has belatedly turned chilly and wintry. We have been having winter showers and fierce hailstorms in the past week. This afternoon when I looked out of my front bedroom window to watch the latest wintry hailstorm. I was surprised to notice one of the duck trio sitting on the rooftop opposite to my house...

    He had his head tucked under his chin to fend himself from the weather, but I couldn't help but think why he didn't find a more sheltered place in such inclement weather.

    I was really tempted to take a photograph, but... I thought my neighbors might think I was spying on them :-O

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Take the photo. Explain after. You are not responsible for your neighbours' incorrect thoughts. And anyway, the snaps of them can be used for blackmail. Hahahaha

      Delete
    2. You are right... Those particular neighbours (renting the property) do not respect the neighborhood and polite behaviours of the other occupants.

      Thank you for reminding me to be me and disregard the the sensibilities of a rouge neighbour ;-)

      Now we have to wait and see if one of those ducks will pose on the rooftop for a photo-shoot for me ;-)

      Delete
    3. I hope they don't have underage ducks drinking in there.

      Delete
  2. I worked for a time in offices in Hemel Hempstead, England. Nearby was both a rose garden with small pond and a very busy roundabout. The roundabout is a busy junction of half a dozen roads, one leading to a motorway, three or more lanes around, with about an acre of grass and shrub in the middle.

    Every now and then a family of ducks would decide to stroll from the pond to the middle of the roundabout .. or back. Time and again, rushing traffic including commuters, vans, massive delivery lorries and busy workers of all sorts would screech to a halt and all the roads congested as the ducks waddled across the road.

    Not once was a duck ever run over. Motorists - who might have become livid with anger if another human dared to delay their journey by even a second - would sit smiling in their vehicle as the ducks went by.

    Yes,the British are a strange lot.

    ReplyDelete

Ne meias in stragulo aut pueros circummittam.

Our Bouncer is a gentleman of muscle and guile. His patience has limits. He will check you at the door.

The Tavern gets rowdy visitors from time to time. Some are brain dead and some soul dead. They attack customers and the bar staff and piss on the carpets. Those people will not be allowed in anymore. So... Be Nice..