Monday, January 2, 2017

Well, Did You See That Coming?

A brand new year, just like the last one and with all the same personal opportunities for making 'Resolutions' (and then breaking them), predicting what the year will bring and - as we do here in the Tavern - give out Awards. We like awards here.  But where do we start? How about the 'Man of the Year'.

There were many suggestions shouted out and even some strange ones.  Votes were taken. Hands raised. Boos heard. The counting was scrutinised. Donald Trump, a popular contender,  was pipped at the post by an unpredicted Man o' the People, mainly as the Donald's time has yet to come (18 days to go) while the Award Winner has thrown his spanner and gummed up the EU works already.  So, the Award Pint goes to......(drum roll please....)....

Nigel is the latest in a longish list of 'ordinary' Englishmen who have down the ages upset the 'Powers that Be', formented revolution, tipped over barrowloads of EU apples and generally changed the face of the Sceptred Isles. A worthy man. 

Well, Nigel, congratulations: pint is on the table: tell us what's in store.

Did you see him coming? No-one seemed to have had him in their sights last January 1st, let alone a 24 mil trifecta. The swarms of psychics who rise through the floorboards like a strange smell didn't even mention Nigel. 

De Juana Byrd however did say way back then.." Unless something severe happens, Donald Trump will be your new President."

But we will need to ignore the mudslides in Oz that she foretold, not to mention the uprising in Angola which may be because the Guardian hasn't mentioned it. Or anyone else. Yet.

Her track record is poor. But she can claim to be slightly better than Baba Vanga, a blind Bulgarian who some call the 'Nostrodamus of the Balkans'. Baba predicted, before she died 20 years ago, that "Europe will cease to exist by 2016 and will be empty spaces and wasteland".  She didn't say if it would be Global Warming that did for us.

And De Juana did far better than Simon Reich, who is billed as 'the man who got almost everything right , the year before'. He said that "Donald Trump will not be the Republican Candidate, but yes, Hilary will be the Democratic candidate and will be elected President".

There are days when a chap can say "I can do better than that". 

Not that I am about to, but don't let me stop you. How do youthink 2017 will pan out?

The long list of nonebrities that cashed in their outrageous fortunes and departed pennyless to the other side was not made public before the events either. And what a list. And what a lot of angst, wailing, sobbing and general nose-dribbling over such a low bunch of talentless yobs. OK, I do tip m'hat to some of them: those who were not a complete waste of space, time and oxygen. It often came as a bit of a shock.

The singers and dancers, wailers and prancers were joined by worthy folk that few know about. Like another Donald, Henderson, this time. Doctor. He drove smallpox to the wall and saved millions of lives.

There are some who did not die, of course. Lots in fact. You for instance, or you would not be reading this. But give a thought to an 'easy prediction'. Any day now. People have been expecting him to go for years. 
They say only the good die young, so Keith must have been a very naughty boy. Hmmmm, I have been around a long time too.  I did not predict being here by this year.  He serves a purpose though of being Dorian Gray's portrait in the flesh. I just serve ale.

OK, let us talk of 'Resolutions'. What do you have in mind for this year? Something you can do; will do; and won't fail at.  Personally I find 'negatives' work better. Promise NOT to do something. Heck, you might forget all about it !

But there was I quietly chatting when along came Rowan Dean. One can always count on spanners in works from Rowan.  For his look back over 2016 he had his own 'anti-award' list.
Whiner Awards.

Fresh in the annals of outrage, here's the winners of whingeing
A nation which has raised taking offence to an art form deserves recognition. Here they are: 
the 2016 Poor Me Awards.

Following the Rich 200 list, I am  proud to present the 2016 Poor Me List, the definitive, must-read list of the top Poor Me people in Australia. 
Only the top 7 please Rowan. We don't have all night.  Let us stick to the Oz part and let other customers add their own national whiners.
The list is compiled exclusively from among the wealthiest or most celebrated individuals in Australia, who despite their great fortune and good luck, still bleat on about how hard done by they are. 
The judges' final decisions were based on the sincerity and heartfelt quality as well as the frequency with which the candidates have expressed the winning (and indeed whining) sentiment: "Poor me."

1. Sheik Waleed Logy: A high rating member of every Poor Me List compiled since its inception yesterday morning, this much-loved TV host, radio host, newspaper columnist, political commentator, terrorism expert, Boko Haram apologist, Hot Glossy Magazine Cover Boy and all-round Top Dude who also happens to be married to a Hot Glossy Magazine Cover Headscarf-Wearing Top Chick has finally clawed his way to the very top of the Poor Me list.
The judges were particularly moved by the way the tears flowed spectacularly in the audience during his 2016 Golden Alie Acceptance Speech as Mr Logy fought back his own tears and pointed out how horrendous and oppressive it is to be a Muslim in today's redneck, racist, xenophobic, Islamophobic, intolerant Australia. Poor Me Rating: 11 stars.

2. Adam Baddes:
Forced to change his name because the Good Life he presumed he was entitled to had in fact turned out to be really, really Bad thanks to endemic racism, xenophobia, intolerance etc (see above), this hugely talented sportsman and elite athlete soared to national prominence in 2013 when a five-year-old girl poked her tongue out at him and wiggled her fingers in front of her nose, thereby suggesting that Mr Baddes was descended from an obscure species of Bonobo that once thrived in the Serengeti (as indeed we all are.) 

Not content with having the girl put under house arrest and humiliated for life, Mr Baddes was appointed Australian of the Year and National Treasure in quick succession. The judges were particularly impressed by Mr Baddes' heartfelt attempts to express goodwill and unite the nation by throwing imaginary spears at crowds of onlookers and by his Australia Day speech in which he poured scorn on all privileged, white, male, Anglo-Saxon, non-indigenous Australians. 10 stars.

3. Brigadier-General David Morriscorn: Having toiled in the Australian Armed Forces in total obscurity for decades without having made any impression on anyone whatsoever, Leftie-Lieutenant Morriscorn was catapulted into national prominence when he went viral on youtube after reading a speech written by somebody else.
I've got my beady little piggy eye on you.
Bringing real life to Gilbert and Sullivan.

A keen Star Wars fan, the General's greatest military achievement was defeating the dreaded Jedi Council by firing every soldier who'd ever received a raunchy email, which rightly earned him the lucrative twin jobs of Diversity Guru and Aussie of the Year. The judges were mightily impressed by his catchphrase, "The salary you walk past is the salary you miss out on" and his Australia Day speech in which he poured scorn on all privileged, white, male, Anglo-Saxon, non-indigenous, heteronormative, transphobic Australians. (something of a pattern developing here? - ed) 7 stars.

4. Jane Carob:
Leading feminist, advertising guru, copywriter, novelist, newspaper columnist, TV chat-show personality and all-round Top Sheila, Ms Carob earned the undying respect of the judges through her determination to endlessly complain that professional women in Australia suffer from endemic sexism and misogyny courtesy of privileged, white, male (OK, OK, we get it – ed.) 6 stars.

5. Stan "Don't-take-me-for" Granted:
As a genuine blackfella, nine's this big.

A last-minute entrant to the Poor Me List, Mr Granted has a genuinely impressive career and credentials as a top TV news reporter, both here and overseas. Mr Granted shot to long-overdue leftie prominence in late 2015 when, after years of ignoring him, the Luvvies finally sat up and noticed he has Aboriginal ancestry. 5 stars.
6. Nova Peris-Backbone:
All she ever wanter was her own cosmetics line, like Elle.

Top Olympian and role-model to Indigenous girls, Ms Backbone was more surprised than anybody when former Prime Minister Julia "La" Grillard decided that as an Indigenous female Ms Backbone should a) be catapulted into the Labor Party and b) be catapulted into the Senate despite having no interest in either. With Ms Backbone happily immersing herself in the senatorial largesse provided by mainstream taxpayers, the judges were hugely impressed by her tearful announcement that the only people worthy of criticising her are Indigenous women. 8 stars.

7. Julia "La" Grillard: Patron saintess of the Poor Me Awards, this former lawyer and leading feminist struggled with her boyfriend to buy and renovate her own home before being catapulted to national fame by stabbing her male colleague in the back, stealing his job and then getting sacked because she was useless at it. 12 stars.

All photos of JuLiar will have disappeared from the internet by January 13th 2017. Who'd have seen that coming ?  

Drink up, there's a whole year of fun and doom ahead.



  1. Replies
    1. You speak of the almost origins of Oz. We were Ark C

  2. I have vowed to make New Year resolutions that are realistic and meaningful - resolutions I can not only keep but excel at their implementation. I shall take up smoking (again), I will resume drinking alcohol with enthusiasm and I intend to put on weight. 2017 will be a golden year.
    Peter H.


Ne meias in stragulo aut pueros circummittam.

Our Bouncer is a gentleman of muscle and guile. His patience has limits. He will check you at the door.

The Tavern gets rowdy visitors from time to time. Some are brain dead and some soul dead. They attack customers and the bar staff and piss on the carpets. Those people will not be allowed in anymore. So... Be Nice..